Ok so here it goes! I have been typing and deleting my words for the
past half hour now. I was going to tell you our history and make a
point that I am not perfect so I am not picking on him but the fact of
the matter is that I am picking on him. I am angry, frustrated and
tired. I feel like a bad person talking about my husband and I have to
remember I am human and am allowed to feel. My husband is 500 lbs. and
miserable. I was reading a lot of posts before I signed up and can
relate to many. My problem though is that I am not sure if my disgust
with my husband is so much his weight or if it is his attitude. My
unprofessional opinion of him is that he has some type of personality
disorder that has not been correctly diagnosed. He wants to blame his
weight gain (he was about 185 when I met him 24 years ago) on work,
where he lives, me and any other excuse he can come up with. I have
taken on more responsibility then I should have and he just complains
about what I don't do or tells me what I need to do. Oh he thinks he
tries to tell me he appreciates me but it is short lived and a little
too late. I wipe his butt, help him shower, cut his toenails, scrape
his feet, brush his hair, help him dress. A lot of the time he is so
out of breath and frustrated with himself he gets nasty with me, when I
am only trying to help. Then he wonders why I don't show him any
affection and I'm the bitch. (Just a note: I probably wouldn't be so
reluctant to show affection if he was considerate of my time before he
became obese. He was a jerk at times before and the weight gain made it
worse). I come home from work and see him either on the couch watching
TV, sleeping or on the computer playing video games. This is after we
have our daily argument over the phone about what to have for dinner.
Dinner ideas are the only thing he needs to do! I do everything else!
I resent him deeply. I also feel sad for him or me or just the
situation. Back to the "affection". When we actually have sex, it is
not fun and it is just sex, no intimacy. Intimacy flew out the window
along time ago! I am 50 and not very limber so on top isn't going work.
On the bottom barely does, but in addition to it being uncomfortable I
have a great fear of him having a heart attack or hurting himself and
collapsing on top of me. I am 5'6 and an evenly distributed 150 lbs. I
don't want to get hurt either. He blames everyone in the house for not
taking care of the house/furniture but because of his weight, he has
destroyed our couch, hardwood floors, and drywall behind the couch. I
don't know why I stay, should have left a long time ago when he was
still able to take care of himself. Our family and friends have been
scratching their heads for years at both his weight gain and why I am
still there. I am just at the end of my rope and need to vent to other
people in my shoes. Thanks for the outlet!
PS. My screen names refers to the fact that when he tells me he loves me, I hesitantly say it back, but I don't think I do. I think he is just a bad habit...
PS. My screen names refers to the fact that when he tells me he loves me, I hesitantly say it back, but I don't think I do. I think he is just a bad habit...
Posted by
LivingALie
